Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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