was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
