How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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