I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
