ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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