Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
