Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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