I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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