"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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