i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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