Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
