he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
