I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
