I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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