apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
