I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
