Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
