my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
