Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
