Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize