I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
