So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
