She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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