I can feel you judging me through the phone.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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