too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
not ubering you a puppy
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
