did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
