its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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