can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
