my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
