oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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