i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
