Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
