Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
