i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
