You're so nebulous sometimes
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
