hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
