i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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