I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
