Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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