Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize