Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize