she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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