I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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