this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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