I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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