just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
