Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
