when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
