I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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