Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
