just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
