weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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