Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
