I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
