I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
