i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
