i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize