you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
