At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
