Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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