so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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