He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
