I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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