she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
